Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Happy Belated Presidents' Day!

I performed this last night at a meeting of a new writer's group I've joined. I even memorized the piece. People laughed and everything. It was fun! Enjoy....

A President’s Day Monologue
By Kyle T. Wilson

MR. PRESIDENT
Good evening everybody, and welcome to the inaugural meeting of central Arkansas’ first ever high school chapter of the Gay-Straight Alliance!

(HE cheers and claps. Hopefully the audience will join him.)

That’s right…I know the queens at Hall High are steamed that we beat them to the punch, but Little Rock Central High School is nothing if not historic, isn’t that right?!
(More cheering and clapping.)

That’s right! The school board has spoken, and never mind the protests of our anti-gay Governor Huckabee; I, President of Little Rock Central High School’s brand-new Gay-Straight Alliance, stand here today with all of you to declare that we are a new generation of tolerance in the state of Arkansas!

Now I started all this because I feel called to bring to our campus the same kind of dignity and equality that the Little Rock Nine brought for their people so many years ago. I often feel like a latter day Ernest Green as I dart from class to class, ears ringing from the muttering choruses of homo, fudgepacker, sausage-jockey…. But let me tell you, I may be free from being spat upon or called the N-word, but there is no National Guard looking out for me, my friends. We have to stand strong!

If I am at all disappointed by today’s turn-out, it’s the lack of that crucial half of our organization’s title. Where are the breeders, y’all? And yes, I am glad to see so many of the art geeks, the skate punks, and the drama kids here, but come on, we all know y’all don’t really count, don’t we?

The one friendly hetero face I had hoped to see was that Jed Shackleford. Teaches me to get my hopes up. Honestly, I can’t believe he didn’t show his face at this thing. He knew how much it meant to me. He promised me, even. When I told him about what I was doing, he said it was “cool.” He said, “Cool, man." And he pushed his hair out of his eyes like he does. I’m really hurt by this, y’all!

(A “cough-BULLSHIT-cough” is heard from the audience.)

Oh you be quiet, Lipstick, I remember when you were in pigtails and denim skirts! Never mind the fact that that haircut was passé three episodes into season one of THE L-WORD. For those of you in the back who didn’t hear, Lipstick just insinuated what a ridiculous notion it is that Jed Shackleford would waste his precious time on me. You know, it’s that kind of self-hatred, Lipstick, that will keep our organization from making any progress whatsoever.

We should be proud of who we are. Because I guarantee you, whatever that pretty boy Jed Shackleford might be doing right now, he is not showing his pride.

The only thing that Jed Shackleford can be proud of is his haircut. And I sure-as-shit didn’t learn that in the locker room after P.E.

That closet-case cocksucker talks me into skipping choir the day before All-Region just so he can cornhole me in the handicapped stall of the boys’ bathroom with that little #2 pencil of his. And he doesn’t have the decency to show his face here?

You know what? In the interest of the declarative spirit of our organization, I charge you all to OUT Jed Shackleford. Together we can send a message to the homophobic upper echelons of our social hierarchy that we will not keep their secrets anymore!

And all of you art geeks, skate punks, and drama kids calling yourselves “bi-curious” or “I don’t go in for labels," don’t any of you think for a minute that you can stand with us if you’re going to maintain this absurd fence-sitting posture that all us fags and dykes in the room know is an utter farce. You better get out and you better stay out, or…you can just GET THE HELL OUT! If you’re not WITH the Little Rock Central High School Gay/Straight Alliance, then by God, you are AGAINST the Little Rock Central High School Gay/Straight Alliance!

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